Being a mother is a crazy job. You have to raise these bizarre little blobs known as babies into human-type creatures that, hopefully, can find a productive place in society.
The weirdest part of it all comes on Mother's Day when these rug rats thank you for your love by taking you to an overpriced crowded chain restaurant or giving you stolen, wilted flowers or chocolate that sends you closer to pre-diabetes.
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Mom: It's time for you to speak up for yourself and school those clueless kids of yours on what a proper Mother's Day gift should be.
Whether it's a shark-shaped hat, a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur or a bracelet made of dead beetles, we have something perfect for every type of weird mom.
Flask That Looks Like Tampon
Calendars.com
Moms spend so many hours watching inept soccer games and half-assed piano recitals, it's a shame they have to do it sober. But flasks are so obvious, which is why this device is so brilliant. It's a tube that slips inside of a tampon-shaped sleeve. It's foolproof! People will think Mom is sticking a tampon to her lips when she's really sipping on a gin and tonic.
Shark Costume Hat
Overstock.com
Even the humblest mother likes to show off a sense of style. So this hat that looks like a shark is biting off her forehead will help your mom feel glamorous, even on bad hair days.
Marvel Comics-Themed Sleeping Bags
SelkBagUsa.com
Your mom is a real-life superhero who fights neverending battles against messy rooms and unhealthy meals. Now she can continue her battles against your cluelessness while clad in a walkable sleeping bag designed to look like Captain America, Iron Man or Spider-Man. Honestly, the Hulk one may not be a good idea. You wouldn't like Mom when she's angry.
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Giant Robot Plates
CalamityWare.com
Dinnerware is the hallmark of a classy kitchen, but many of the designs on plates are boring and humdrum. How about spicing your meals up with dishes that feature images of UFOs, sea monsters or giant robots attacking a city?
Pee Pocket
ThePeePocket.com
At some point in every mom's life, she has to take a whiz. But it's not always in a clean or sanitary place. The Pee Pocket will allow your mother to take a stand against dirty toilet seats by letting her answer nature's call while standing up.
X-Ray Mitt
Fun.com
Oven mitts, as useful as they are, usually lack style or panache. Your mom is sure to be the star of the county fair bake-off when she takes her trademark peanut butter cookies out of the oven using a glove that has an X-ray of a human hand on it.
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I Am Weird I Love Weird Pillows
Etsy.com
You can't go wrong with this pillow case set: Either one probably fits your mom (and your dad). Plus, isn't it better that we get these things out in the open?
Drunk Owl Wine Bottle Holder
HomeWetBar.com
Does your mother love nature as much as she loves wine? Then she is sure to love this bottle holder featuring an alcoholic owl. She'll be sure to ask, "Whooooo wants to get drunk?"
Dancing Sloth Throw Pillow
Overstock.com
Nothing brightens up a couch or bed like a throw pillow showing a pole dancing sloth. Nothing! Seriously, you can look it up.
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Scarab Bracelet
IconStyle.net
Jewelry is a great way to show Mom how much you love her, but diamonds are so ordinary. No mom will be bugged by this bracelet made from the carcasses of 10 dead beetles. It's a steal at only $3,950.
Flask Purse
HomeWetBar.com
Your mom has been waiting for you to clean up your act for years, so why should she have to wait 30 minutes in a crowded bar for a cocktail. Thanks to the flask purse, she doesn't have to -- at least not for the booze. It's stylish, tasteful and holds a helluva lot of liquor for the size.
New York Strip Steak Stud Earrings
www.aftcra.com
Unless your mom is a vegetarian, she probably won't have a beef with the child that gets her these lovely steak stud earrings.
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Dino-Pet
Biopop.com
Is your mom a crazy cat lady? (It's OK. Your secret is safe with me). This is a much cleaner alternative. This plastic dinosaur glows in the dark thanks to bioluminescent plankton. The result is less cuddly than a kitty, but a lot less messy.
Octeapus
Fun.com
Tea bags have their place, but they aren't as fancy as having the tea infused with a plastic octopus. It will add a touch of whimsy to those moments where it's just you and her having a cuppa while she silently criticizes your life choices.
Moosedrop Earrings
MainelineProducts
Does your mom have crappy taste in jewelry? Make it obvious with these lovely earrings made from actual moose droppings.
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Chocolate Salami Bouquet
Olympia Provisions
You could get your mom a bouquet of flowers, but they probably aren't as delicious as a bouquet made of chocolate salami. To be clear: It's chocolate that looks like salami, not salami that tastes like chocolate.
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Before You Go
Shark Sleeping Bag
Modcloth.com
Does Mom love nature or simply a fan of "Jaws"? This sleeping bag turns every day into Shark Week. Unlike a real shark, she won't be sharing the stomach area with all sorts of flotsam and jetsam.
Skunk Scarf
Green3Apparel.com
The weather may be heating up, but mom won't raise a stink about wearing this stylish skunk scarf around her neck. Made from recycled materials, it's so realistic-looking that Pepe Le Pew may decide to jump its bones.
Cat Lady Spinner Ring
Wayfair.com
Is your mom a nervous cat lady who randomly plays with her jewelry when stressed? Help ease her worries by giving her a spinning ring engraved with feline faces (which, by the way, are better than feline feces).
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EvriholderSlipperGenie
Wayfair.com
Moms have to multi-task around the house and cleaning is a hassle under any circumstances. These scrubbing slippers will pick up dust off floors when she is walking around the house yelling at you.
Sippin Seat
Wayfair.com
If your mom feels obligated to watch your boring swim meets or piano recitals, make it up to her by giving her a seat cushion that holds any type of liquid that might help her get through your pitiful attempts at showing ability at something.
Wonder Woman Fleece Throw
Wayfair.com
Your mom is a real-life superhero. This Wonder Woman fleece throw will make her feel that way when she is sitting on the couch watching episodes of whatever "Real Housewives" series is on Bravo. If your mom has gained a few pounds, she will appreciate the slimming effect it has on people with bad vision.
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Chocolate Jesus
LeSucreBleu.com
Jesus turned water into wine, but it took a Brooklyn-based chocolatier to turn the King of Kings into a divine candy treat.Your mom will savor each bite of the savior.
Pig Ring
Emitations.com
Want to show your mom you love her while subtly criticizing her conspicuous consumption? At "only" $336, this pig ring is perfect for the mom who likes to live high on the hog.
Thigh Bands
Bandelettes.com
Behind your mother's loving smile is a woman in turmoil. Unbeknownst to you, her thighs are thwick-thwick-thwicking against each other, making an uncomfortable feeling that threatens her attempts at a normal life. Bandlettes are a type of thigh bands that are designed to stop the miserable chafing that fills her life with secret shame.http://www.bandelettes.com
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Halos For Blind Dogs
http://muffinshalo.weebly.com/
Your mom may transferred her nurturing nature from you to her beloved dog. However, if the pooch happens to be blind, your mom may spend many hours keeping the pooch from bumping into the furniture. These doggie halos help keep Fido from slamming into walls or trees when Mom's taking him on a walk.
Taco Necklace
Aftcra.com
Does your mom love tacos almost as much as you (maybe more)? This taco necklace makes Mother's Day and every day "Taco Tuesday."
Zombie Sleep Mask
Rakuten.com
Your crazy antics are probably keeping Mom up at night, turning into a zombie during the daytime hours. This sleep mask will visually show how she feels on the inside when she knows you're out on the town doing God knows what, you selfish jerk.
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EMF Transformers
EMFtransformer.com
Does your mom avoid using that smartphone you got her because she is afraid of electromagnetic frequencies? These EMF transformer promise to "maintain the dynamic equilibrium of the brain waves" while she is close to her computer or wireless devices. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either, but it's more compact than a year's worth of aluminum foil.
Anatomically Correct Heart Pendant
Artisurn.com
If your mom was a tormented, clove-smoking goth back in the 1980s, she may appreciate this anatomically correct heart pendant. Plus, if she gets mad at you, she can rip it off her neck and ask you to stomp on it, "because that's what you're doing to the heart inside me!" Good times.
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Play-Doh Perfume
FragranceNet.com
If your mom is a kid at heart, she might enjoy smelling like Play-Doh, one of the most nostalgia-inducing odors ever. If she gripes about the gift, remind her that at least it doesn't smell like that other nostalgia-inducing scent: dirty diapers.
Giant Ceramic Wishbone
Rookwood.com
What mom wouldn't feel lucky to have this giant ceramic wishbone? Probably the one who thinks it came from a real chicken.
Crimson Tide Wine Holder
Fanatics.com
If your mom loves wine and the Crimson Tide, you're sure to score points over your siblings on Mother's Day with this wine holder. Other teams are available as well, but not all of them have won national championships.
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