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Be Friendly But Stay Professional: Five Ways To Develop Rapport That Is Not Disingenuous (Or Creepy)

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Rapport-building is an essential skill for business development, job interviews, negotiations and other high-stakes communications. But sometimes the attempt to be friendly comes across as disingenuous or worse, creepy. Getting too friendly is a common interviewing mistake even experienced, well-meaning people make. Here are five ways to develop rapport while keeping it professional.

Explain Non Sequiturs

One common way people try to develop rapport is by bringing up commonalities. This is a great strategy, and it’s easy to mention if the overlap is professional – same school, same former company, same trade association. But sometimes the overlap isn’t professional – it might be a personal hobby in common or you both come from the same small town. If you just bring up the overlap, it sounds out of place. Instead, just mention your participation in the common hobby and see if the other person makes the connection. Or if there is an obvious transition point, say the hobby is running, the person has a photo display of a previous marathon, and your professional meeting is something involving discipline or persistence or grit, then you might mention you’re also a runner, reference the photo, and make a running analogy around the professional topic at hand. In this way, you are actually building rapport and furthering the discussion around this common bond and not treating the common bond as a non-sequitur.

Source Your Research

What if you want to highlight a common bond that is not so obvious (e.g., there is no photo display to point to)? Be forthcoming about the research behind your information. In advance of our meeting, I looked at your website, read the latest press releases and I noticed on LinkedIn that you are a runner. The research you list makes sense, and the LinkedIn part is logical in light of your overall meeting preparation. In this context, it does not seem like a voyeuristic side project. I don’t think twice when someone says that they have looked at my LinkedIn profile, but I’m in professional services so active networking is part of my job. Other people are not as comfortable when you reveal you know about their background. Make sure you mention where you saw their profile or which article mentioned them or what public and openly accessible way you have gleaned the information you reference.

Remember That Everything Is Better In Moderation

If you develop rapport by an outside connection, mention one or two items in common. If you develop rapport by using humor, by all means use it in one or two of your lines. But don’t make every line a joke, or don’t make every point about how much you have in common. Everything is better in moderation. I once interviewed a candidate who had a witty sense of humor. It was effervescent and engaging at the outset, but with every response including a funny sidebar, that witty advantage quickly devolved into an annoyance. I started to question this candidate’s professional judgment and executive presence. You absolutely want to show personality, but when in doubt, tone it down.

Take Your Cues From The Other Person

One way to gauge how much you can share (of your outsize personality or of your off-road topics) is to take your cues from what the other person does. If the other person seems keen to continue discussing the hobbies and other interests in common, then you have an invitation to continue. If the other person laughs or jokes back, then you might continue the banter. If the other person isn’t responsive or changes the subject or tone, redirect your subject and tone. Keep in mind that even if the other person seems open to going off-topic or joking around, you still want to rein in the conversation enough that you cover the professional business you are supposed to cover. If a job interview, for example, lingers too long around personal small talk and not on professional skills and background, then the interviewer will have less evidence to back up your case for moving forward in the process. Even if it’s the interviewer’s fault, s/he is not going to admit s/he got off-topic and may just agree not to move you forward, rather than fight for your case. Personal rapport is not meant to be a substitute for a professional substantive conversation.

Go Back To The Basics

Overdoing it on rapport building is sometimes due to thinking you have to do something extraordinary to communicate well. Most of effective communication, however, comes down to mastering the basics – handshake, eye contact, poise, manners, content, delivery, listening. Is your handshake good enough for Goldilocks – not too soft, not too hard? Is your eye contact confident, but not exhausting? You want to look directly at the other person some of the time but also look away at regular intervals to avoid a stare down. Do you walk with good posture, dress appropriately for the circumstances and environment, carry yourself in an assured manner and otherwise project a relaxed confidence? Do you follow good manners – e.g., wait till you’re asked to sit or stand up as the other person arrives if you’re already seated? Do you have something substantive to say? Do you speak clearly, with energy and with emotion? Do you actively listen, nodding or otherwise gesturing your participation in the conversation and responding appropriately? Don’t be so fixated on doing something special to get likeability points that you forget all the other elements of the conversation.

 

Caroline Ceniza-Levine is a career and business coach with SixFigureStart®. She has worked with executives from Amazon, American Express , Condé Nast, Gilt, Goldman Sachs, Google , McKinsey and other leading firms. She’s also a stand-up comic, so she’s not your typical coach.