"Of all the emotions you ever feel in life, embarrassment is probably the one that sticks longest in the memory. There's nothing quite like that gut-churning, eye-popping sensation of complete mortification you get when you realise you've been walking around with a roll of toilet paper hanging out of the back of your trousers, or when you finish talking to a girl you like and realise there's something dangling out of your nose, or when you blow off loudly in class (which is always worse for me as I'm a teacher…)
The thing is, though, most of us really like it when embarrassing things happen, as long as they don't happen to us. In my books, I put my main character Michael through cringingly-embarrassing ordeals – finding out his parents are secret nudists, being set on fire whilst dressed as a custard cream, having obscene graffiti daubed onto him by his evil brother and, perhaps worst of all, his mother doing something so appalling that it puts him off coco pops for life.
Here are some of my favourite embarrassing scenes from books for children and young adults. I hope you enjoy them…"
Mark Lowery is the author of Socks Are Not Enough and its follow-up, Pants Are Everything…When You're Definitely Not a Nudist, both published by Scholastic.
1. The Embarrassment of Not Knowing Where You Are - The World of Norm – May Contain Nuts by Jonathan Meres
"Norm knew it was going to be one of those days when he woke up and found himself about to pee in his dad's wardrobe."
We've all done it – walking into the wrong classroom when an exam's taking place, accidentally going into the wrong toilet, waking up to find yourself in the giraffe enclosure at Chester Zoo etc. The unfortunate Norm takes this to a whole new level though, by almost using his parents' prized IKEA cupboard as a toilet.
2. The Embarrassment of Being Utterly Useless – Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling
"Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one."
From the first moment we meet poor old Neville, he shows tremendous artistry in the field of how to be completely useless at absolutely everything. Until later on in the series that is, when he loses interest for us by actually being really good at stuff. Still, who else at Hogwarts could fall off a broom, get hung up by his ears by pixies, or step on Ginny's toes when trying to dance with her (it really is no wonder she ended up marrying Harry…)?
3. The Embarrassment of Being Not Quite as Brilliant as You Think You Are – Dark Lord – The Teenage Years by Jamie Thompson
"… he tried to bellow in his most commanding tones, but it only came out as a little squeak, high-pitched and boyish."
Just picture it: one minute you are the Dark Lord – feared ruler of the Darklands, slayer of men, emperor of all that is evil… and the next thing you know, you're waking up in a Tesco's car park in Surrey, trapped in the puny body of a teenage boy. This is a brilliant premise for a book, and only a very clever writer could leave you feeling sorry for the most evil creature in the universe – AKA Dirk Lloyd – who finds himself stripped of all his powers and under the control of infernal, pathetic humans who should be worshipping at his very feet. MWA-HA-HA!
4. The Embarrassment of Being Really Good At Something You Would Rather You Weren't Very Good At – Boy by Roald Dahl
When you begin secondary school, it's kind of normal to get pushed around by the older kids a little bit. It goes with the territory of being smaller than everyone else and, as long as nothing gets out of hand, the worst thing you might have to deal with is the odd wedgie or someone drawing a naked lady's chest on the front of your school shirt.
Just spare a thought for poor old Roald, though. When he first started at secondary school, he became chief toilet seat warmer for one of the prefects. There's nothing embarrassing about being good at normal things like football or knitting or breaking wind. However, when your chief claim to fame is having the warmest buttocks in your whole school, you'd probably wish you were completely talentless.
5. The Embarrassment of Being Outsmarted – The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales by Jon Scieszka
I love this book so much – it's a completely twisted, crazy take on classic fairy tales. And my favourite? The princess who kisses the frog, expecting him to turn into a prince. Unfortunately for her, he's just a slimy frog who quite fancied snogging a princess. Brilliant!
6. The Embarrassment of Having an Embarrassing Hobby – The Wolf in Little Red Riding Hood
Everyone thinks the wolf is someone to be feared but, honestly, maybe we should pity him a little bit too. Imagine if someone walked in on you and you were dressed as an old lady? No wonder he ended up trying to eat her.
7. The Embarrassment of Being Caught Doing Something You Really Shouldn't be Doing – Cosmic by Frank Cottrell Boyce
Liam Digby is a victim of chance – it's not his fault that he's 13 but looks 30, or that he's got a fluffy beard that earns him the nickname "Wolverine". As a result, when he starts his new school, he can't be blamed when he gets mistaken for the new Media Studies teacher and asked to say a few words during an assembly. However, it definitely is his fault when uses this as an opportunity to lead the entire school out through the gates on a madcap adventure. Unfortunately for him, he gets rumbled when the actual new Media Studies teacher turns up...
8. The Embarrassment of Being Caught Doing Something You Really Shouldn't be Doing by Someone You Fancy – 15 Days Without a Head by Dave Cousins
It's bad enough for Jay Roach that his mum's run off, leaving him and his brother to fend for themselves. But things really take a turn for the worst when he dresses up as her in order to draw some money out of his bank account. Of course, the last person you want to bump into when you're wearing a wig, a dress, a pair of tights and a stuffed bra is the girl that you've got a crush on. And trust me, I should know…
9. The Embarrassment of Being Caught Doing Something You Shouldn't Be Doing, then Finding Out It's Something You Should Be Doing and the Thing You Are Actually Doing is The Thing That You Shouldn't Be Doing – Bumface by Morris Gleitzman
"Angus Solomon," sighed Ms Lowry. "Is that a penis you've drawn in your exercise book?"
Angus jumped, startled, and remembered where he was. Ms Lowry was standing next to his desk, staring down at the page. Other kids were sniggering. Angus felt his mouth go dry and his heart speed up. For a second he thought about lying. He decided not to. "No, Miss," he admitted,"it's a submarine."
Ms Lowry nodded grimly. "I thought as much," she said. "Now stop wasting time and draw a penis like I asked you to." She pointed to the one she'd drawn on the blackboard.
In my opinion, this is the greatest opening of any book ever written and there's not much else I can say about it.
10. The Embarrassment of Just Being Yourself – Noddy by Enid Blyton
OK, so I'm sure I'll get a bit of stick for this. May I just say first of all that I love Noddy and I think he's brilliant. However, let's be frank here. He drives a rubbish car, he hangs around with an old geezer with a terrible chin-strap beard and he wears really silly shoes and a neckerchief. Oh, and to top it all off, he can't even blend into the background because he's got a flipping bell on his hat! The poor, poor little fellow.